My Mum wrote this truly heartfelt letter for this blog post, the words moved me to tears.
This is life explained by a Mother watching her child suffer over and over again.
I need my Mum much more than I ever have as a child or teenager.
I need my Mum by my side and she always is.
My mum is my best friend and I’ve always called her ‘My Army’ because she’s there through thick and thin, fighting my battles beside me.
A Letter To My Daughter
As I sit back and watch you coping with pain, frustration, fear and exhaustion my heart breaks a little more.
How can this be?
My little twin, my first born.
Over the years I have watched you grow into a strong willed ‘I can do anything I want’ diva and oh how we argued and fought through the teenage years.
We usually ended up laughing to bits at the stupidity of who wouldn’t give in first. You usually won, with me saying whatever! I lost the will to continue.
I watched you as you fought for hours to give birth to Theo naturally and stepped in and stopped you from hurting yourself more by insisting you had a caesarean.
It saved you both but the decisions Andrew and I made weighed heavy on us.
But you made it and became the most yummy Mummy, we needn’t have worried so.
I watched as your pregnancy and delivery with Violet took so many frightening turns and how I wished I could take the pain away. I’ll never forget the fear in Andrew’s eyes at what he’d had to witness. I’ll never forget seeing you lay there so shell shocked and beaten. Torn apart from your precious little girl, you in agony desperate to be by her side. The devastation and heartbreak in your eyes when they took her to NICU.
I watched you battle daily through pain, gritting your teeth, determined to be the best Mummy you could be. I watched you sacrifice so much.
I watched my beautiful daughter deteriorate and I couldn’t stop the pain.
When you were 8 years old I started my own business to work around you. How the business grew and I rejoiced in doing the things with you that I thought we’d never be able to afford to do. Working all hours robbed me of my precious time with you though and still does! We make the most of the time we get, never forgetting that the business enables us to do the the things we may have never been able to do.
I’m grateful for the business but sometimes tired of the juggling it brings. I’m so grateful to have had the care division. It taught me much about you and your needs, it gave me the knowledge to be able to battle with the ignorance of NHS Drs as they’ve battled to become educated with Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome. I gained the knowledge that turned in to power when you needed it the most.
That which takes us away educates us.
You’ll always be my little girl no matter how old you get, no matter how many times we huff and we puff at what life is throwing at us and most of all we will always laugh in the face of adversity and absurdity of life because we will not be beaten!
I sit here as I write and I know I have to be your Army.
I always will be.
If I stop to cry it’s wasting valuable time not doing anything positive but I could easily curl up and do so.
Having watched some of the barbaric things you’ve had to endure I’ve kept my tears from you.
I always will.
We are in a battle and we will win the war together.
It will not define you, it will stall you as you define yourself and help others in your unique fight. I’m so proud that you’ve decided to train as a Counsellor, you are turning your hurt into knowledge that will benefit so many.
When most would crumble you stand tall, you put yourself out there and inspire others with your journey.
You amaze me daily.
A mother now yourself you should be free to run, swim and play as I did with you and I just don’t understand why this is happening to you.
There were so many times you were in pain, in plaster casts, bad knees, back pain that would knock you off your feet. Jaw dislocations, finger dislocations. The list is endless! I watched you suffer so many times and until now, nobody had the answers! I felt so helpless, I couldn’t stop the pain.
I just have to focus on practical things and keep you upbeat, keep you looking forward, stop you falling when I can.
I always will.
When you cry I cry but not in front of you.
I never will.
For you need me to be strong and I always will. Just like you try for Violet and Theo.
My inspiration comes from you too. I love you being a stay at home Mum and I’ll do everything I can to make that as comfortable as I can for you because I never got these precious days with you, they are so important.
You are an amazing Mum and you put your children above and beyond everything. But I do get cross because you’re continually working and studying, you are so like me in many ways. I want to say STOP, enjoy Violet and Theo while you can, rest and just enjoy. Children grow up so fast and before you know you’ll have a Daughter who is nearly 40!!!
How can that be??
I laugh now as I think of the endless times you’ve had to say to Drs and Nurses “no that’s my Mum not my Sister” and how we’ve fell about laughing at the absurdity of it all!
How lucky are we, my little twin, but I’d love to know why I got the short legs? You tower over me at 5ft 9, I am only 5ft 3!
The roller coasters we’ve shared I wouldn’t swop for the world. Even your wedding on Television, which you were so heavily medicated on painkillers for, you had no idea of the mayhem and chaos that ensued. We all got on with it the best we could just for you. It gave us a distraction and whose to say whether a wise decision or not?
You made memories in those three weeks for us all to treasure forever. You needed that distraction and I will treasure the memories of watching you blossom into a beautiful bride despite the pain you were suffering.
Your smile made it all so worthwhile.
Like most Mums we wave our magic wand most of the time and they work. Mine must need new fuses as there are times I wave it and nothing comes right. I give it a kick and force the force it’s not allowed to fall off duty!
So my brave, unique, beautiful inside and out, Daughter whether you are a storm or a breeze, a volcanic eruption or a gentle brook I love you with all my heart and I’m so very proud to be your Mum.
I always will be.